Amazonitis

A Whimsical Mini-Essay
by Bob Sanchez

Recently, online sales of my novel (When Pigs Fly) have been slow. I check my Amazon rankings frequently - too frequently for my mental health, probably - and have watched my Amazon sales rankings sink, sink, sink from a high of 125,000 to a low of over 1,000,000. I haven't shared this pain with my wife, because I know she'll say what she always says: "Relax. You're supposed to be having fun!" (Nancy has this annoying habit of telling me what I need to know.)

Anyway, during that whole dismal slide, the Amazon message on my book's page said, "Only 4 left in stock-order soon." That "4" never changed for a couple of weeks. Then tonight after watching a movie I sat down and acted on one of my more harmless compulsions and checked my Amazon ranking.

Well, lordamercy, my book had risen to 76,000! The Amazon message said "Only 3 left in stock-order soon."

They sold one book and my ranking rose by about 935,000 places. That's the highest ranking the book's ever had. So I thought at that rate I'll be #1 if only somebody else will buy my book. So, compulsive person that I am, I refreshed the screen and learned that I'd dropped 40,000 places.

Is there a pill to cure my Amazonitis? Don't tell me that I'm supposed to be having fun. I am having fun, damn it. I am!

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Bob Sanchez is the author of When Pigs Fly, an iUniverse Editor's Choice, which the Midwest Book Review is "Like Carl Hiaasen on speed."